Mother-heard: My postpartum depression story

Here I am now....

The mother of three beautiful children. The wife of my best friend. And incredibly happy.

I want to write about a time when no matter what I did- no matter how much I read my scriptures, no matter how much I prayed- no matter what I did. I could not be happy. I was a mother of two at the time. Two beautiful baby girls. One was 1&1/2 and the other was just a little baby. I loved them so much but life was dark and I felt so sad all the time. I couldn’t get through the day without feeling so exhausted, depleted, and just sad. I was probably getting 4-5 hours of sleep at night, nursing, and not eating enough. I had no idea how sick I was and kept on going like mothers do. I didn’t ask for any help and thought the sadness would pass. I didn’t even admit to myself that I was depressed because I’m so terrified of mental illness. 

Finally one horrible day my brain snapped. I was hallucinating and ended up in the hospital. I was given so much medicine and it took a whole week at the hospital for it to finally kick in. Recovering from that experience took years. Goodness, I’m still recovering from how difficult the experience was. My eyes are tearing up as I type. 

Long story short. Here I am now. My youngest baby is almost 3 months old. I was doing amazing! Staying healthy and doing everything within my power to take care of my mental health. In my cute baby’s short life, I’ve seen her whole little body turn blue more times than I like to count. She is totally recovered and perfectly healthy in every way now. I’m so grateful Heavenly Father answered my prayers to heal my baby. Grateful for all the angles who helped us. But- the image of that cute baby body turning blue is engraved in my memories forever. The image of my oldest baby turning blue is also in my memories forever. A horrible but sacred memory. Knowing that something was wrong but not finding any concrete reasons as to why. But at the same time being so grateful knowing that my babies were healed.  

A few weeks ago. I slipped back into some familiar things. I started hallucinating again and had to go back on medication. It nocks me out at night and makes me gain weight. It works really well for me though so I’m grateful for it. I also know that I was able to wean off of it once and hope to be able to wean off again in a year or so. I’m so grateful that everyone is healthy. I’m grateful that I have learned so much about mental illness. If you struggle with mental health, know that you are not alone! You are loved. One of my favorite talks is Through cloud and sunshine,lord, abide with me! by Reyna I. Aburto. It totally explains everything I felt as I was suffering from a deep postpartum depression. 

I only share this experience to help others and it’s therapeutic for me to reflect on my experiences.

 Whatever kind of homemaker you are.....

Be YOU-tiful

❤️/Cheryl